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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27801655">i'm haunted by that memory</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/potato_writes/pseuds/potato_writes'>potato_writes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i'm standing right here on (jaime's) side [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Song of Ice and Fire &amp; Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Quasi-Ocean's Eleven AU, for now, it's fun family dinner time with the Lannisters!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:55:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,472</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27801655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/potato_writes/pseuds/potato_writes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been a week since Brienne left, and Jaime’s still no closer to coming to terms with it.</p><p>He’s spent a lot of time thinking about it since he woke up to find her gone, with nothing but a note left in the space where she’d been. About how she’d seemed withdrawn, sad, in those last days before she left, about how she never spoke of her friends or family, about how she’d let him ramble and complain about his job and family for hours on end but always changed the subject when he tried to ask her about the same things. About how she always came to him, never inviting him over, and so many other little things that hadn’t seemed significant when they were together but stand out so much more now that he’s reflecting on them later.</p><p>*</p><p>after brienne leaves, jaime attends a family dinner and considers what his next move will be</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i'm standing right here on (jaime's) side [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm haunted by that memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>we're taking a brief stopover in jaime's pov to see how he's dealing with things (spoiler alert: not that well), but we will return to brienne and the heist in the next part. this takes place about a week after part 5, in case you are curious about timelines. </p><p>general warning for this instalment: Tywin is not a good parent or a good person, and it shows. also I am very much not a Tyrion fan, and that comes across quite strongly in this part. actually, no one in Jaime's family counts as 'good people' except him (and joy, but we already knew that). </p><p>thank you for reading, and enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s been a week since Brienne left, and Jaime’s still no closer to coming to terms with it.</p><p>He’s spent a lot of time thinking about it since he woke up to find her gone, with nothing but a note left in the space where she’d been. About how she’d seemed withdrawn, sad, in those last days before she left, about how she never spoke of her friends or family, about how she’d let him ramble and complain about his job and family for hours on end but always changed the subject when he tried to ask her about the same things. About how she always came to him, never inviting him over, and so many other little things that hadn’t seemed significant when they were together but stand out so much more now that he’s reflecting on them later.</p><p>
  <i>What were you hiding, Brienne? What was it that you didn’t want me to know?</i>
</p><p>Perhaps he’s being paranoid, but with his cousin Joy having recently dropped off the grid and with so many awful rumours swirling around his father’s latest factory in Volantis he’s beginning to think he can’t afford to be anything less than that. So many things he once thought certain can no longer be relied on, and he’s not confident he can trust even his own family any more.</p><p>Is that why Brienne left? Did she decide his family was too much for her, that his constant complaints about them were a sign to run while she still could? He doesn’t blame her, if that’s the case, but she could have at least said something. They could have worked things out, had she done so—or so he hopes, with all the foolish desperation he’s been carrying with him since that first evening at the bar, when he sat down beside the woman who changed his life before vanishing again.</p><p>He’d give anything to be back with her now—especially since he’s currently sitting with the rest of his family at the weekly dinner his father hosts, staring down at his plate while Cersei and Tyrion spit insults at each other across the table and Tywin watches it all play out with cold eyes, never intervening until just before the point of bloodshed. His miserable attitude means they’ve largely ignored him up until now, and he’s spent most of the evening picking at his food, turning forkfuls over and over on the edge of the fine china plate, until his father sets his own fork down with a clatter and they all fall silent.</p><p>“You have been remiss in your duties, Jaime,” Tywin begins, speaking like he’s talking to one of the board members and not his own godsdamn <i>son</i>. “I asked you to attend a meeting two days ago, and you did not come and do your duty as a Lannister.”</p><p>So it’s to be one of <i>those</i> nights, then. Jaime sighs and pushes his plate away while both his siblings keep their gazes fixed on their own food, unwilling to step in. “I called in sick that day. I wasn’t feeling well, and I didn’t want to risk passing any illness on to our clients and potentially endanger our relationship with them.”</p><p>He’s gotten good at this sort of business-speak over the years, though he hates having to use it. But his father doesn’t need to know he’d taken the day to lie in bed and brood about Brienne, about their relationship and what might have gone wrong with it. A broken heart isn’t reason enough to miss a day of work, to Tywin Lannister. Depending on the level within the company—and whether or not the rumours Jaime keeps hearing are true—nothing short of death is worth missing a day of work for.</p><p>“This is not the first time you have strayed from your obligations to this family,” his father says in a low voice, the slightest hint of danger in his tone. “Do not think I haven’t noticed your distraction over the last two months, or that you keep making excuses to avoid company events and meetings. This business is your future, Jaime, whether you like it or not. It’s high time you remembered that.”</p><p><i>And what if I want a life outside of the business? What if I want to marry, start a family, pursue a side passion, meet up with friends every once in a while?</i> “I don’t have to give every minute of my life to the company, Father. If Cersei’s allowed to take time away, why can’t I do the same?”</p><p>“Your sister needs to find a proper husband, and quickly,” Tywin snaps, and Jaime is not blind to how his sister flinches and stares blankly down at her plate before the mask settles back into place. “I cannot allow her to inherit the company on her own. The investors will not stand for it.”</p><p>“The investors will stand for it if you tell them to,” Jaime growls, doing his best to meet his father’s gaze. “Cersei is more than capable of running the business on her own. If she wants to marry, it should be her choice. Not yours.”</p><p>He’s not fully certain how true his words are, but he’ll never say so to either of his siblings. There’d been a time when he thought them both much better equipped to inherit their father’s legacy than he would ever be—and maybe they still are; they seem to share their father’s cruelty after all. But Cersei is reckless and driven by anger, holding grudges and setting people against each other, and ever since the debacle with poor Shae Waters, his trust in Tyrion has been greatly diminished.</p><p>It’s all part of the patterns he’s starting to notice, now that he’s looking. The patterns that Brienne would hate, that might have been what drove her away. Neither of his siblings will say a word to defend him against their father, never seeing the need to defend their strong, confident brother from Tywin’s harsh words. He’d leap in front of bullets for them without question, but would they do the same if he was the one in danger? </p><p>Tywin shakes his head, looking at his eldest son with such disappointment in his gaze that Jaime’s tempted to just curl up into a tiny ball and huddle in the corner, the judgement of his family be damned. Instead, he lowers his head, knowing his father’s won yet again. </p><p>He should have learned that lesson by now. Tywin Lannister always wins.</p><p>“Snap out of this...mood you have found yourself in,” his father says, as if it’s so simple. “You have a duty to this family and this company, and I expect you to uphold it. Continue moping around, and you will lose all of this.”</p><p><i>Would that be a bad thing?</i> Jaime wonders as his father rises to his feet and stalks away. If he didn’t have his obligations to the company anymore, he’d be free, able to pursue his own dreams for the first time. He might even be able to find Brienne, ask if it really was the prospect of his family that drove her off and if she would take him back now that his family hated him.</p><p>But that’s the stuff of wild imagination, of a life he’ll never get the chance to live. He’s not free of this company or his family, and Brienne’s long gone. He doesn’t even know where to begin looking for her, not since a quick weirnet search turned up nothing except for a few old articles about the island of Tarth—another thing his father owns.</p><p>Tyrion snatches the wine bottle from the center of the table and fills his glass to the brim before passing it to Cersei, who does the same. She offers the bottle to him with a pointed look in the direction of his own glass, but he shakes his head. His siblings have only ever agreed on the matter of alcohol, and he’d rather not find himself in the same position, drinking and drinking as if that’ll be enough to block out the years of fear and pain and hurt that comes with being the children of Tywin Lannister. Losing Brienne may feel like getting his heart ripped out of his chest and crushed on the ground, but he won’t stoop to using alcohol to cope with the pain. He’s seen it bring out the worst in his siblings too many times for that.</p><p>“You should listen to Father,” Cersei tells him after draining half her glass in a single gulp. Her eyes are shiny with tears she won’t allow herself to shed, but she musters up a cold look for him anyways, sending all the disappointment Tywin has been sending her way for the past five years towards him. “You need to do what’s best for the family, Jaime. Stop mooning about whatever girl you’ve fallen for this time and join the rest of us in the real world.”</p><p>He doesn’t bother replying, just shakes his head and keeps staring at his plate, still full of food he’s not going to eat. He’s had this argument with Cersei before; he already knows it’s futile. She’ll leave soon enough anyways, unwilling to linger when their father isn't around for her to try and impress. </p><p>When he doesn’t respond, she sighs heavily and rises to her feet, her chair screeching against the floor as she shoves it backwards. “Well, I’m off. No point in sticking around if Father isn't going to.”</p><p>She stalks towards the door, pausing right before she leaves. “Just do as he says, Jaime. I don’t know why you bother protesting so much. It’s not like it’s hard to accept your duty.”</p><p>There’s so much he can say in response to that—<i>not when this is the cost, do you want me to give up my dreams, I’d rather be happy than rich and powerful, this is your dream not mine</i>—but, as always, he bites his tongue, and she flounces out without another word.</p><p>Tyrion pours the rest of the wine bottle into his emptied glass before putting it aside and meeting Jaime’s gaze with a long level stare. “She’s right, you know. I hate to say it, but you have a duty to uphold. Even I do what needs to be done, and this family hates me.”</p><p>“It’s not worth the cost,” he responds quietly, remembering Brienne’s face in the morning, a ray of sunlight lighting up her skin, the tentative way she smiled at him, as if she was afraid he’d be ripped away from her at any moment—until she tore herself away and left him hurting and alone, that is. “I don’t want any of this shit on my conscience, Tyrion. Frankly, I’m baffled that you don’t care either.”</p><p>“Why should I care?” his little brother asks, taking a long drag from his wine glass. “It’s not like anyone important is getting hurt. There’s a cost to good business, Jaime. If you’d bothered to learn that years ago, it’d be much easier for you to accept it now.”</p><p><i>No one important?</i>  “We need the workers,” he snaps, surging to his feet and beginning to pace back and forth behind his chair. “Without them, this company doesn’t exist. I know Father and Cersei are never going to get off their high horses and see that this can’t last, but I thought <i>you,</i> of all people, would know better.”</p><p>Tyrion shrugs again, downing the rest of his wine before setting the empty bottle aside. His eyes glint sharply despite the haze of drink in them, and suddenly Jaime’s back at the bar again, looking into Brienne’s clear blue eyes as they lean closer and closer together. “It’s just business, Jaime. Why is it so hard for you to understand?”</p><p>Jaime has nothing to say in response to that. How has he been such a fool for all these years? How has he stayed here for so long, sitting by and watching and pretending the stories he hears aren’t as painful as a thousand knives digging into his skin, as painful as waking up and turning towards Brienne only to find a note lying where she once was?</p><p>His brother takes his silence for acceptance, it seems, because he winks as he opens a second bottle of wine and pours more into his glass. “Start small, then. Come to the annual gala. Show father you’re willing to take an interest in the business. It’ll be fine, Jaime. You’ll learn soon enough, and it won’t take you long to forget whatever woman’s messed you up so badly, either.”</p><p>He nods, lets Tyrion ramble on about how good it will be to have him at the gala, about how they can share gossip the way they did when they were young and didn’t have as much choice in the matter as they do now. Privately, though, his thoughts are somewhere far away, in his apartment with Brienne leaning over him, or sitting curled into his side on the couch as they laugh about some terrible show they can’t stop watching, or the solid weight of her body as he wraps his arms around her. </p><p>
  <i>Have I ever been so happy as I was then? Has my family ever brought me as much joy as being with her did?</i>
</p><p>Tyrion’s still talking, but Jaime doesn’t hear a word he says. This gala will be his last one, he decides, his back straightening as he reaches a resolve. Afterwards, he’ll resign from the company, go find some other work, something he enjoys more than this hellish life of letting his family do terrible things in the name of <i>good business</i>. </p><p>Perhaps he’ll join up with Joy, wherever she’s gone in her exile from the Lannister household. Or maybe he’ll run into Shae Waters, the young woman Tyrion wronged so horribly, and find out if she needs support of any kind—it’s the least he can do, after what his family did to her.</p><p>And maybe, if he’s very, very lucky, he’ll meet Brienne again, someday far down the line, when he’s left his family behind and is a thousand times happier for it, when he’s free of the toxic grip of the Lannister name and can finally prove to her that he’s someone worth loving, someone who she might let love her, might let stay with her instead of feeling like she has to leave him in the night in order to escape the oppressive reach of the most powerful billionaire in both Westeros and Essos—the man who Jaime’s unfortunate enough to have for a father, the man who likely was indirectly responsible for ruining the best relationship he’s ever had and likely ever will.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have no idea when the next part will be out. probably once I write it. it will be brienne pov, though jaime will probably get a couple more chances to tell the story in future instalments (unless I've forgotten my outline, which could easily be the case). exam season's coming up, so I make no guarantees.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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